Having escaped to the sunshine and left my baby and all responsibilities at home, I’ve taken the expression “enjoy yourself” a little too literally and after another heavy night of drinking I arose sometime mid-afternoon to a rather interesting email..

The issue at hand is the amount of early morning decibels emanating from the current guests. There was a live and thunderous, if less than melodious, concert in your varanda at 3am, featuring the guests themselves. Concurrently, there were what sounded like reenactments of epic olympic events in your lounge.

I understand you have no immediate control over how guests behave, hence this contact to give you an opportunity to make them aware of their impact on others. Should they repeat the shenanigans at ungodly hours, we will be forced to call the authorities, which would be regrettable.

So yes, maybe rapping an entire Nikki Minaj song at 4am wasn’t the best idea but hey, I’m only young once. Sure it’s probably not the most appropriate behaviour for a respectful mum-of-one but can you really blame me? It’s rare I sit down before 11pm at home so who says I can’t transform into a big-bootied global superstar once in a while? The neighbours apparently..